In this comedic monologue from the play, “Black Friday”, Riley, a retail worker, quits her job over the intercom.
RILEY: Aaaaattention customers! This is your friendly neighborhood retail worker! And I just want to say… SUCK IT, LOSERS! I’m so out of here, I could scream! They shouldn’t call today Black Friday, they should call it Dark Friday, like the Dark Ages. Or Batsh’t Crazy Friday. Because the way everyone acts today is absolutely insane. Like, Carol, did you really need to fight an old lady over a fifteen dollar toaster? Was that really worth the medieval-style duel in aisle three? Seriously, it’s a toaster, not a golden ticket to Willy Wonka’s factory!
And let’s talk about Steve, working in electronics—STEVE. Yeah, I saw you hiding behind the TVs. Real smooth, Steve. Leaving me to fend off the mob like I’m some gladiator in the Colosseum, while you’re over there pretending to check inventory. Sure, Steve, I bet that 85-inch screen really needed your undivided attention right at that moment.
Oh, and to the lady who asked me if we had the new Limited Edition Holiday Glitter Barbie at 4 AM? Just in case you haven’t noticed, I am NOT Santa. There is no magic sleigh out back with an infinite supply of glitter Barbies just waiting for you. But thank you for screaming in my face when I said we were out of stock—it truly added that special holiday spirit to my morning.
Honestly, it’s like everyone here loses ten IQ points the moment they see a sale sign. Do you know what I had to do today? I had to break up a wrestling match in the home goods section. Over a set of towels. TOWELS, people. You could have gone to literally any other store and gotten towels, but no, these towels had the magic words “doorbuster deal” on them. Like that makes them any better at drying your sad, desperate faces.
And then there’s management, bless their clueless little hearts. “Remember to smile, Riley! Customer service is our top priority!” Yeah, Brenda, I’ll smile just as soon as you get out here and deal with the man who’s threatening to sue because we ran out of waffle irons. How about you tell him he can’t have breakfast in the shape of Mickey Mouse this year? I’d love to see that.
So, here it is. This is my grand exit. Consider this my resignation letter, verbal edition. I’m going home, I’m gonna take a bubble bath, and I’m going to toast to my freedom… with my own toaster that I bought at a reasonable hour on a sane day.
So, farewell, crazed shoppers! May you find your treasures and may the odds be ever in your favor. As for me, I’m out of here. Peace!
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IMPORTANT NOTE: This is NOT an immediate digital download. This is a ~10 minute play that will be available in approx. 1-3 business days after purchase, and sent to you via email. Thank you for your patience and your support of our work.
Photo by Molly Blackbird on Unsplash
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