Big Small Talk

In this comedic monologue for men from the play, “Big Small Talk”, Dylan muses about his latest dating efforts with his friend.

DYLAN: Love life? What love life? Oh you mean the one where every time I go to talk on a date I get cotton mouth? Yeah, real attractive, right? I swear, one time I tried to take a sip of water, and I missed my mouth. The glass just hit my chin, spilled into my lap, and I sat just sat there, now looking like I had just peed my pants. Sexy, huh?

And don’t even get me started on small talk. “So, what do you do for fun?” Why do I ask that? It’s such a trap. Because when they ask me back, my mind goes blank, and suddenly, I’m a professional ‘Netflixer.’ That’s right. My biggest hobby? Watching ‘The Office’ for the 47th time. I should really put that on my dating profile. ‘Hobbies include re-watching sitcoms and… awkwardly staring into space while thinking of better hobbies.’

Then there’s the food. Oh, the food. Why is it that the messiest thing on the menu always calls my name? Like, “Dylan, order the spaghetti. You can handle it.” Spoiler alert: I can’t. I look like I’m reenacting that scene from Lady and the Tramp except, surprise, no lady, just me and a meatball that somehow gets all over my white button down.

But it’s not just the food. Oh no. There’s always that moment when I say something “cute.” At least, I think it’s cute. I once told a girl, “You’ve got spinach in your teeth… but it’s, like, really charming.” Yeah. Guess who didn’t get a second date?

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Photo by Timothy Dykes on Unsplash