Santa Envy

In this monologue from the play, “Santa Envy”, Roger, a long-time elf at a holiday setup longs to be Santa.

ROGER: Every year, it’s the same old story. Here I am, donned in these ridiculous pointy shoes and this absurdly tight green outfit. Me, an elf. Again. And there, in the big, plush, red throne, sits Santa. Not me, no. Never me.

I mean, what does it take to be Santa around here? I’ve been at this gig for what, five years now? I know the drill. I can ‘ho ho ho’ with the best of them. I’ve got the belly – admittedly, it’s not all padding – and I can do the jolly old elf thing. But no, they say, “You’re just so good as an elf!”

Good at being an elf. That’s like being congratulated for being the best sidekick. Always the bridesmaid, never the bride, right? Year after year, kids come in, eyes all lit up, and they look right past me. Straight to the big guy in red. I mean, I’m the one who’s been managing these lines, dealing with the crying toddlers, and the parents who are more interested in their phones than in a little holiday magic.

But sure, let’s slap a smile on, point those ears up high, and be the best little helper Santa’s ever had. Because being a great elf means making sure Santa shines. That’s my job, right? Make Santa look good.

Well, maybe this is the year. Maybe this year, I’ll stage a little elf revolution. Maybe I’ll just sneak into that Santa suit when no one’s looking. Give ’em a Santa they’ll never forget! A Santa with a little more… elf flair.

But until then, back to the elf duties I go. After all, someone’s got to keep the North Pole running smoothly. And who knows? Maybe one day, they’ll see I’m more than just pointy ears and a jingle bell hat. Until then, the best darn elf they’ve ever seen will keep the Christmas spirit alive.

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