Spilled Milk

In this comedic monologue for men from the play, “Spilled Milk” Oliver, a job applicant, nervously answers questions at a job interview.

OLIVER: So, uh, you want to know about my strengths. Sure. Um… I’m very good at… not crying in public. I think that’s a skill, right? Like, just yesterday, this guy cut in front of me at Starbucks—he ordered a latte with oat milk, by the way, seems weird, I didn’t know oats had udders—but instead of screaming, I smiled. Like this. See? Strength.

I mean, I did go home and scream into a pillow, but that’s healthy, right? Emotional regulation! That’s what they call it. So, yeah, strength.

Also, I’m great at multitasking. For example, right now, I’m talking to you and also wondering if you’re judging my blazer because I got it at a thrift store. It’s a little big, but that’s on purpose. Vintage is trendy. I think. Is it? Oh god. Is this a test? Did I just fail?

Wait, wait—don’t answer that. Let me, uh, regroup. Okay, strengths. I’m also really punctual. Like, aggressively punctual. Which is great, unless you count showing up too early as a weakness. I once got to a dinner party two hours early and the host wasn’t even dressed yet. With all that time, I ended up making my ex’s famous guacamole for the party. Well, I don’t know how famous it really is but…

Oh, teamwork! That’s another strength. I can be a team player. Like, I made the guac, right? That’s a team player move. And I didn’t even complain about the cilantro when Carl insisted we add some. I hate cilantro, but I said nothing. Because I know how to keep the peace.

Also—this just occurred to me—I’m super adaptable. Like, right now, this interview feels… slightly chaotic. But I’m rolling with it. I’m adaptable. I could cry, but I’m not crying. Are you okay if I cry? Nevermind. See? That’s me adapting.

Do you validate parking? Not that I drove, I walked, but, like, hypothetically, if I ever had a car and had to park here, I just think it’d be good to know in advance. For planning purposes. I’m very good at planning. Oh! Add that to the list—strength number five: planning.

(Oliver takes a beat, suddenly serious, and leans forward.)

You’re probably wondering why I’m here. Why this job. And the truth is… I really need it. Like, really. And I’d work so hard for you. Like, really hard. You just have to give me a chance. Okay? Deal? Please…?

Purchase the full ePlay below: