The Possessed Printer

In this comedic monologue from the play, “The Possessed Printer”, Jordan shares with a colleague what’s really been going on at work.

JORDAN: The new printer, it’s… evil. I don’t just mean it takes too long to print, which it does. I mean, it’s alive and it’s… evil. (beat) I’m not crazy, by the way. And I know when you say, ‘I’m not crazy’, it usually means that you are, but I promise you… for me, it doesn’t. I just happen to know that the new printer is sentient and has a demon inside it.

It’s okay to laugh. I did too, when I first found out. ‘What kind of printer has a demon in it?’ I mean seriously, what kind of evil entity takes up residence in office equipment? Don’t they have more… dramatic places to haunt? But nope. This demon picked the HP Laserjet Pro in our sad little office, like it had some unfinished business with spreadsheets and quarterly reports.

The first time I noticed, I was just trying to print a simple document. You know, standard office stuff—TPS reports, whatever those are. I pressed the button, and… nothing. Just a blank stare from that little digital screen. So, I hit “Print” again. And again. Then I hear this deep, guttural growl. And suddenly, it spits out 40 copies of the wrong thing. Forty copies of Barbara’s cat photos from last year’s holiday party. I swear, I saw a dark mist swirling around the paper tray. And Barbara was so happy about it. “Oh, Jordan, you must love Fluffy so much!” Yeah, Barb. Me and the demonic printer love Fluffy.

Then it started getting more personal. One time, I tried to print my resume, but instead of printing my resume, it printed… my search history. Just laid it all out there. “How to perform exorcism on small appliances.” “Can printers feel emotions?” “Signs your printer is in league with the devil.” I had to shred the evidence before Karen from HR got any ideas.

So now, I’m just avoiding it altogether. I leave offerings—like a coffee cup filled with toner ink, or a USB with pictures of hell… I mean home—hoping it’ll be appeased enough to let me print in peace. I keep telling everyone, “We need an exorcist, not a technician!” But the IT guy just rolls his eyes. He has no idea what he’s dealing with.

So, yeah, laugh all you want. But just remember, the next time that little red light blinks at you, it’s not just out of paper. It’s plotting… and it’s coming for you next.

Purchase the full ePlay below: